Consider flatulence, which is a fancy word for farting.
I know. I know. Talking about farts is impolite and should not be done in public. Butt, I have to ask; who here was taught flatulence manners?
That’s what I thought. It is a stinky subject, and shame on Emily Post for ignoring farting. She literally wrote the books on etiquette?
A fart is something we laugh at, and the embarrassed emitter of said fart is ridiculed either verbally or mentally. That’s not right. One should be free to fart anywhere without shame, unless it is in my general vicinity.
Facts
Before we get into manners, I have some flatulence facts for you:
- Flatology is the scientific and medical study of farts. I wonder if that is a booming industry. Flatus is the medical word for gas generated in the stomach or bowels.
- According to flatology experts, farting is the expulsion of that gas from the intestines via the anus. Sorry to be so crude, but I didn’t write that; someone on Wikipedia did.
- Humans fart an average of 14 times a day. Even the most beautiful women in the world fart. Sorry to break that to you boys, but your toots are disgusting, so don’t judge your fellow flatulators.
- Fart is shorter and funnier than flatulence, hence the popularity of the word. Some call it passing wind in an attempt to sanitize the fart.
Yes, I made up the word flatulator. It is more euphonious than flatulist or fartist, don’t you think?
Manners
Because Emily Post didn’t complete her job, I’ll offer help. My first rule for manners of flatulating near people is to ask politely “May I flatulate?”
Really?
NO. OF COURSE NOT. ARE YOU INSANE?
Just walk away before you fart so nobody hears or smells you. That is manners.
Unless you are on an elevator. Ever wonder why there are so many elevator fart stories and jokes? Elevators must be common settings for errant or intentional farts.
Don’t tell anyone, but I heard there is a group of people who intentionally fart on elevators. They are called the Stink Bomb Mafia, and they are committed to their art, which is what they call it.
Suppose you are in an elevator, and you emit a silent-but-deadly. What should you do?
Fart etiquette, if there were such a thing, would require you to apologize for the fluffy, while complaining you had to flatulate and could hold it no longer.
Right?
NO. NO. NO.
Never admit to a fart you can conceal.
Blame Game
Because there is no fart etiquette, some fart knockers have turned flatulence into a blame game.
For example, wait to see if someone comments on your invisible stench so you can say “Whoever smelt it, dealt it.”
Then you hold your nose and look with disdain at the unwitting fly that fell into your trap. This maneuver is called the Spider and the Fly. Have you ever heard a spider bark. Sounds like poot.
Suppose your fart is audible. What then?
Jump back. Hold your nose. Point to the person nearest you, and say “Ewwwwww!!!!!” This is called The Misdirection.
If you are caught, and there is no way out, simply lift a foot slightly off the ground, push out your butt a bit and grunt and wince as if you are trying to conjure up a one-cheek squeak, but the tweeter never comes.
Sigh in relief, and put your leg down. People are grateful you didn’t bathe them in more flatus molecules, yet they are embarrassed for you. See what you did there? You unsettled them. This is the classic Wait, Wait, Never Mind move.
Finally Caught
If you can’t escape blame, fall to your knees and raise your arms and praise God for the ability to fart. Tell people that without these booty bombs, we would explode into a million pieces. This technique is called The Mortality.
Not to mention people get nervous when you bring God into it. Tell them The Good Book teaches that the wind blows where it wishes.
Sorry I veered off of fart etiquette and into fart tactics. I offered three rules: ask if you may flatulate; admit and apologize for your flatulence, or walk away and then fart. But it didn’t seem you were interested.
Or you can let one rip. Own the honker. Be loud; be proud. Don’t apologize. Imagine yourself the greatest of all flatulators.
Sorry, I cannot approve of your behavior, you fecal-fumed terrorist. This is undeniably a breech of etiquette in my book if I had one.
“That’s all for now my fellow flatulators; as the Stink Bomb Mafia says: “May your farts be stealthy.”
David Madrid.
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With apologies to Emily Post, (born Oct. 27, 1872 or Oct. 3, 1873, in Baltimore, Maryland—died Sept. 25, 1960, in New York) who was an American authority on social behavior. She crafted her advice by applying good sense and thoughtfulness to basic human interactions except when it came to flatulence.